Issue Description

The X-Men investigate a mutant brothel, only to be attacked by the Church of Humanity.

Archangel pulls his weight as chairman during a Worthington Industries meeting. He demands that the board of directors tell him why such a large portion of company funds is being invested in something called the X-Ranch. He also wants to help finance some programs, started by Professor Xavier, which provide aid to mutants. Some board members try to snowball Archangel with excuses, but he eventually learns that his people have been spending money at the X-Ranch because the place is a mutant brothel. After dismissing everyone, Archangel contacts Nightcrawler and the two of them agree that the X-Ranch bears investigation. Once they’re finished, Archangel removes his shirt and jacket and spends some time soaring through the night air.

In Nevada, a Mr. Favreau nervously arrives at the X-Ranch by limousine. He is greeted by Madame Drache, the house mother. Madame Drache tries to alleviate some of Mr. Favreau’s tension by assuring him he has nothing to fear. She directs him upstairs to a room with one of the prostitutes, named Bette. Mr. Favreau is shocked when he sees that Bette is extremely obese. Bette uses her mutant powers to find his deepest desires so they can have some fun together, but tells him there will be no touching. From far away, Nightcrawler eavesdrops on the meeting between Bette and Mr. Favreau, disgusted. He says that the audio sensors are functioning properly and gives the okay for the X-Men to send in their spy.

Later that night, Iceman arrives at the X-Ranch by limousine. He enters the brothel under the alias of Mr. Friese and Madame Drache greets him. Working his new cover, Iceman tells Madame Drache that he works for a major record label and that a high-powered associate suggested he visit the X-Ranch. Just then, Mr. Favreau comes downstairs from his appointment with Bette, perplexed and stammering. He wonders how Bette was able to do what she did to him and hands Madame Drache some cash before he leaves. Iceman tells Madame Drache that Mr. Favreau looked really satisfied and she tells him that all X-Ranch customers leave happy. She explains that the X-Ranch depends on rich clientele like Mr. Favreau to stay in business; the people without the fear of breaking taboos like paying mutants for sexual favors. When Iceman mentions that an openly mutant brothel could attract deadly attention, Madame Drache assures him that everything is safe since the employees can protect themselves and prostitution is legal in Nevada. She escorts Iceman to his appointment and leaves him with one of her girls.

Inside, Iceman meets a scantily clad woman named Stacy with orange snakeskin instead of ordinary flesh. She tells him that lust tastes something like licorice. More than a little startled, Iceman ventures out to the balcony to get some air. Stacy follows after him and gets to work. She whispers into his ear about chemistry and bodily secretions while she begins touching him. According to Stacy, her body emits pheromones that allow her to control the reactions of others. Iceman starts to feel funny and collapses, incapacitated. Archangel arrives to his teammate’s rescue and subdues Stacy, who tries to beat him with better than average combat skills. Archangel pins her, careful not to let her touch him. Nightcrawler contacts Archangel through an electronic device and warns him that human intruders are beaming into the X-Ranch lobby.

Downstairs, followers of the Church of Humanity teleport into the lobby and kill Madame Drache, despite her attempt to stop them with her fire breathing power. They claim that the fires of humanity must destroy the brothel and punish the mutants inside. Armed with laser guns, the men make their way through the X-Ranch tossing bombs and firing lasers, killing everyone they find along the way, including the human clients. Archangel frees Stacy and gets Iceman back to his feet, knowing that they’re going to have to fight to make it out. Between the three of them, they beat the followers of the church and Nightcrawler picks them up in an X-Wing while the X-Ranch catches on fire.

Inside, once everyone boards the plane, Stacy meets Nightcrawler, the pilot, and says that he can call her Stacy “X”. Stacy sarcastically compliments the X-Men on their rescue operation since they failed to stop the Church of Humanity before all of her co-workers were killed. She yells at Chamber when she sees him staring at her. Nightcrawler assures her that the X-Men aren’t through with the Church of Humanity and their crimes. Archangel warns Stacy not to use her powers on any X-Men while she’s with them. Together, they head back east in the X-Wing as the X-Ranch burns down.

The Uncanny X-Men (1981)

Publisher

Marvel

Volume Description

This is a continuation of Stan Lee's and Jack Kirby's original The X-Men (Vol. 1). Beginning with issue #114 the descriptive "Uncanny" was added to the cover treatment but it wasn't until issue #142 that the volume's official name was permanently changed to Uncanny X-Men.

The title has had many creative influences over the years but Chris Claremont was probably the force that drove the title through many it its historic changes, truly bringing it from "the world strangest teens" into their new status a team of mutants fight in a "world that fears and hates them". During his legendary 15 year run he gave us character and stories such as Phoenix/Dark Phoenix, the Hellfire Club, the New Mutants, X-Factor, the Mutant Massacre, Inferno and Jubilee and numerous other historic heroes and events. This epic run ended after editorial disputes in 1991.

For the Uncanny X-Men Post-Schism, see Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 2).

Collected EditionsIssues #142-143 are collected in X-Men: Days of the Future PastUncanny X-Men Omnibus Volume 3 (#154-175)Issues #168-176 are collected in From the AshesIssues #199-209 are collected in GhostsIssues #210-213 are collected in Mutant MassacreIssues #225-227 are collected in Fall of the MutantsX-Men: Inferno Prologue (#228-238)Issues #239-243 are collected in InfernoX-Men: Inferno Volume 1 (#239-240)Issues #248 and 256-258 are collected in X-Men Visionaries: Jim LeeIssues #265-267 are collected in Gambit ClassicIssues #268-269 are collected in X-Men Visionaries: Jim LeeIssues #270-272 are collected in X-Tinction AgendaX-Tinction Agenda: Warzones! (#270)Issues #273-277 are collected in Crossroads and in X-Men Visionaries: Jim LeeIssues # 281-293 are collected in Bishop's CrossingIssues #294-297 are collected in X-Cutioner's Song (Hardcover)Issue #298-305 are collected in Fatal Attractions (Hardcover)Issues #308-310 are collected in X-Men: The Wedding of Cyclops and Phoenix #1 - TPBIssues #316-318 are collected in Generation XIssues #320-321 are collected in LegionquestIssues #322-326 are collected in X-Men: Road To Onslaught #1 - Volume 1Issues #327-328 are collected in X-Men: Road To Onslaught #2 - Volume 2Issues #329-332 are collected in X-Men: Road To Onslaught #3 - Volume 3Issues #334-335 are collected in The Complete Onslaught Epic, Book 1X-Men: Operation Zero Tolerance (#346)X-Men: The Hunt For Professor X (#360-365)Deathlok: Rage Against the Machine (#371)Issues #372-375 are collected in X-Men: The ShatteringIssues #376-377 are collected in X-Men Vs. Apocalypse: The TwelveIssue #378 is collected in X-Men vs. Apocalypse: Ages of ApocalypseIssues #379-380 are collected in X-Men: Powerless!Issues #388-390 are collected in X-Men: Dream's EndIssues #391-393 are collected in X-Men: Eve of DestructionIssues #394-409 are collected in X-Men: X-CorpsIssues #410-415 are collected in Uncanny X-Men Vol. 1: HopeIssues #416-420 are collected in Uncanny X-Men Vol. 2: Dominant SpeciesIssues #421-427 are collected in Uncanny X-Men Vol. 3: Holy WarIssues #428-436 are collected in Uncanny X-Men Vol. 4: The DracoIssues #437-441 are collected in Uncanny X-Men Vol. 5: She Lies with AngelsIssues #442-443 are collected in Uncanny X-Men Vol. 6: Bright New MourningIssues #444-449 are collected in Uncanny X-Men - The New Age: The End of HistoryIssues #450-454 are collected in Uncanny X-Men - The New Age: The Cruelest CutIssues #455-461 are collected in Uncanny X-Men - The New Age: On IceIssues #466-471 are collected in Uncanny X-Men - The New Age: End of GreysIssues #472-474 are collected in Uncanny X-Men - The New Age: First FoursakenIssues #475-486 are collected in Uncanny X-Men: Rise and Fall of the Shi'ar EmpireIssues #487-491 are collected in Uncanny X-men: ExtremistsIssues #492-494 are collected in X-Men: Messiah CompleXIssues #495-499 are collected in Uncanny X-Men: Divided We StandIssues #500-503 are collected in Uncanny X-Men: Manifest DestinyIssues #504-507 are collected in Uncanny X-Men: LovelornIssues #508-512 are collected in Uncanny X-Men: SisterhoodIssues #513-514 are collected in Avengers/X-Men: UtopiaIssues #515-522 are collected in X-Men: Nation XIssues #523-525 are collected in X-Men: Second ComingIssues #526-529 are collected in Uncanny X-Men: The Birth of Generation HopeIssues #530-534 are collected in Uncanny X-Men: QuarantineIssues #535-539 are collected in Uncanny X-Men: Breaking PointIssues #540-544 are collected in Fear Itself: Uncanny X-Men

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